


Walking Blind In The Dark

by Cinderpaw1



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, F/M, Self Harm, Suicide, Teenage Vox Machina, Underage is because Vex and Percy both 17, be warned, eating disorders (specifically bulimia), mental health ward au, this is a very graphic fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-02
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2018-10-26 20:57:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10794621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cinderpaw1/pseuds/Cinderpaw1
Summary: A flash of light. A loud series of bangs. His sisters’ screams.These three things haunt Percival de Rolo every single day since the night that stole his family and his life away. Spiraling rapidly downwards, his lawyer decides that it’s best to put Percy in a mental hospital, in the hopes that he would recover and get his life back on track.There, Percy discovers that despite what he had always been led to believe, the people within the ward just…understand. In a way that no one else does.And among them all, a wild hearted girl who doesn’t believe she’s good enough just might steal his heart away.WARNING: This fic is not for those easily triggered. There will be graphic descriptions of PTSD, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, self harm, and suicide.





	1. Admittance

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is going to explore more than a few mental illnesses. As someone who suffers from anxiety, depression, and who came close to an official bulimia diagnosis, those are illnesses I understand and write from. I've also spent time in a mental hospital. However, some of the others in here are from either secondhand experience or from a lot of research, so please bear with me and feel free to let me know if I make egregious errors. I don't intend to harm anyone, but this idea sunk into my head and I want to write it out.
> 
> Again, final warning: this fic is going to be dark and graphic. Read at your own risk.

Percy stared hopelessly up at the person standing in front of him.

“So what you’re saying is that I’m being committed.” He stated flatly.

The lawyer knelt down and put a hand on his shoulder. Percy assumed it was supposed to be comforting, judging by the look on her face, but right now it just felt like it was confining.

“We’re concerned about you, Percy.” She murmured. “You’ve been through a lot, and you’re suffering because of it. You’re not sleeping or eating, and the nightmares wake you screaming almost every night. We just want you to get some help.”

“I don’t really have a choice, do I?” Percy replied, voice flat.

Anna Ripley shook her head. “I’m afraid not.” She replied. “But we’ll make sure you’re comfortable. This is the best ward in the state, and the other patients are around your age as well. All teenagers.” She tried to reassure him.

Percy just sighed heavily and stared down at the shoes that didn’t really belong to him. 

Everything had been lost that night. Everyone.

_”If you had been quicker, better, maybe you could have saved them…”_

Percy just shook his head. That fucking voice had gotten worse over the past few weeks. It had haunted him his entire life, but ever since the incident, it had gotten stronger.

“Come on, we’ll head over there now.” Ripley murmured.

“Fine.” Percy replied, voice dead as he stood and followed her to the car.

Life was already hell, and his so called friends had stopped calling and hanging out with him the moment they found out so much was lost. 

He didn’t have any family left, either.

So what was it to a seventeen year old who wanted to end it all anyways to be locked up in an asylum?

The drive over was uneventful, Percy just staring out the window at what he assumed would be his last glimpse of any kind of freedom. He doubted they would let him out, considering he wasn’t exactly planning to be cooperative. Talking about his problems to complete strangers wasn’t exactly something he had ever been a fan of.

The hospital was made out of brick, and loomed tall over the rest of the buildings around it. Percy just looked up and sighed heavily, before following Ripley into the depths of the hospital.

The check in process took a few hours, and Percy just numbly went through the motions. He answered the questions asked of him, he sat for an hour and let them pump some fluids into him, and finally he was taken to the ward where he assumed the rest of his life would be spent.

He blinked a little bit as he looked around. It hadn’t looked anything like he had imagined it would look like. He had been expecting stark white walls, stiff plastic chairs, and a room of beds that everyone shared. Instead the walls were colorful, painted with bright scenes. There was a living room area with large, plush couches facing a television, where two boys about his age were in the middle of playing Mario Kart. The larger one, who almost looked more adult than teenager, pumped his fist triumphantly in the air, while the small, thinner boy groaned.

There were large open windows, giving a view of the city and the gardens right below. A small girl with long, bright red hair was sitting there, staring out wistfully into the green nature scene below.

A few doors scattered around showed a cozy dining room with about ten chairs, another room with a few tables and comfortable chairs surrounding a big white board that was covered in writing, and a hallway that Percy assumed the bedrooms would be down. In the middle of everything was an open reception area, where a couple of nurses were working at computers and keeping an eye on the other patients there.

Ripley walked over to the reception area and started talking to one of them, while Percy just looked around. He was wearing the scrubs he had changed into, and had his glasses on his face. It was one of the only things he had been allowed to bring in, since the rules were strict to avoid further stresses or self harm.

That wasn’t something Percy had stooped to, but he could understand why it was a rule. This was a general ward, after all. It wasn’t a ward designed specifically for people with a cocktail of PTSD and schizophrenia.

He had figured that he had PTSD, he didn’t think it was possible to go through what he had been through and walk out of it unscathed, but the schizophrenic diagnosis was somewhat new. He guessed it really wasn’t normal to have a voice in your head that encouraged you to do horrible things to yourself and to other people, but he had stopped listening to it for the most part long ago.

The nurse stood and gave him a kind smile.

“My name is Allura Visoryn.” She told him, extending a hand. He shook it politely, and gave her a guarded smile. She was very pretty, her golden blonde hair in two braids on either side of her shoulders and her blue eyes soft and kind. “I’ll show you to your room and introduce you to your roommate, and we’ll let you get settled before dinner. You won’t have to go to evening group today, but tomorrow we’ll get you started, okay?”

Percy just shrugged. “Okay.” He replied, following her down the hallway.

She knocked gently on the door. “Taryon?” she called out. “Are you decent?”

“Decent enough.” A male voice called back, and Allura opened the door. Percy was surprised to see that the walls were covered in sketches, designs of some sort. One of the beds had comfortable looking golden sheets, and a teen was sitting on it cross legged. Next to him was a plushie of a robot, eyes big and staring off into nothingness. The teen was blond, and he had a scraggly goatee on the end of his chin.

The other bed was stark white, and the wall next to it was bare. Percy had the inkling this was where he was supposed to make himself feel comfortable and at home.

“This is your new roommate.” Allura told him.

The teen gave him a grin and stood up, and Percy realized immediately that this boy was way, way too small. His bones seemed to jut out in wrong places, everything sharp and angular instead of soft. 

“Taryon Darrington, at your service.” The teen smiled and bowed slightly. “And you are?”

A twinge of familiarity sparked in Percy’s mind at his name. He knew of the Darringtons, and knew that they had had a son. He hadn’t heard much about him otherwise.

“Percival Fredrickstein Von Musel Klossowski De Rolo the Third.” He replied automatically. “But you can just call me Percy.”

“Percy it is.” Taryon smiled. 

“Taryon, I trust you can explain the rules and goings on to Percy?” Allura asked.

“Of course!” Taryon replied. “I’ll show him all the ropes.”

“Thank you.” Allura smiled at him. “Don’t hesitate to ask any questions, we’ll always be happy to help. Just make yourself at home, okay?”

Percy just nodded, and sat down on the empty bed once Allura left.

Taryon sat down on the other bed. “So, what brings you in here?” he asked curiously.

“I thought we weren’t allowed to discuss our diagnosis.” Percy replied, raising his eyebrow slightly.

“We’re technically not.” Taryon agreed. “But everyone knows. We’re a pretty small ward, since we’re all long term patients, there’s only eight of us here including you now. I’m here because of PTSD and bulimia. You?” 

Percy just sighed heavily. “PTSD and schizophrenia.” He replied.

“That’s a new one.” Taryon replied. “The schizophrenia, not the PTSD. Pretty sure over half of us have that one.”

“I’m not something to be collected.” Percy replied hotly, and Taryon’s eyes widened.

“Oh no, I didn’t mean it that way.” He replied. “But you’re a de Rolo? I didn’t think your family would allow you to be put up in a place like this. Won’t the press have a field day with that?” he asked.

Percy snorted softly. “They would, if the news wasn’t already filled with their murders.” He replied shortly.

Taryon looked at him in shock. “…I’m so sorry to hear that.” He replied, voice so sincere that it actually hurt Percy’s ears.

He just laid in bed and turned over so his back was facing Taryon. “I don’t want to discuss this further.” He replied shortly.

“Of course.” Taryon replied politely, and silence fell between them, apart from the scratching of Taryon’s pencil as he worked on drawing something.

Percy just laid there in the slightly uncomfortable bed, staring at the blank wall.

He didn’t know how he was going to handle this, but he bet this wasn’t going to go as well as everyone else seemed to hope.


	2. Ward V-M

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You could take a picture darling, it’ll last a bit longer.” She flashed him a smile. “You’re new. What’s your name?”
> 
> “…Percy.” Percy murmured, looking down at the slightly plain meal in front of him.
> 
> “Nice to meet you. Welcome to V-M.” She gestured around at the rest of the group.

Percy was dragged out of bed when it came time for dinner, sitting at the large table with the other teenagers. They had gotten trays with their names on them, and each tray had something a little different on them. Percy was given a tray with a chicken breast and some rice, as well as a little paper menu and a very, very dull pencil.

“Each dinner, you place your orders for what you want tomorrow.” Taryon explained, sitting next to him at the table with his own tray. “Just circle what you want, it’s one main item, two sides, and a dessert item. But if you’re very charming, you can convince the nurses to allow more food, if you want.”

“That’s how I get away with it.” The largest boy chuckled deeply. His head was shaved clean, but he had a large, bushy black beard. His plate was filled with quite a few dishes compared to everyone else.

“Let’s be honest, Grog, if you didn’t eat as much as you do, you would waste away to nothing.” A girl with her hair in a long braid and cheeks that were too hollow quipped. “I mean, look at Tary and I, you wouldn’t want that, would you?”

“Of course not.” Grog replied, looking offended. “But you two have been looking better lately.”

The girl scoffed. “Maybe to you, you just want to get laid.” She winked at him, before glancing over at Percy.

"Guilty as charged." Grog laughed.

Percy just sat there, feeling flabbergasted. The last thing he had expected was for someone, who very clearly had an eating disorder, to make jokes about it.

“You could take a picture darling, it’ll last a bit longer.” She flashed him a smile. “You’re new. What’s your name?”

“…Percy.” Percy murmured, looking down at the slightly plain meal in front of him.

“Nice to meet you. Welcome to V-M.” She gestured around at the rest of the group. “My name is Vex. Try not to get me confused with my twin brother, Vax.” She nodded towards the boy who looked uncannily like her. His face was filled out, though, and he looked fairly normal just sitting there, eating a bowl of stew.

Vax nodded. “We won’t blame you if you mix us up. Most people do.” He chuckled.

“Why don’t you go around and introduce yourselves to Percy?” Allura encouraged from where she was eating her own meal at the nurse’s desk. 

“I’m Grog.” Grog mumbled through a mouthful of hamburger.

The smaller boy next to him, who had been playing Mario Kart with Grog when Percy had first arrived, chuckled. “His name is Greg, but don’t ever call him that.” He informed Percy.

“Not unless you want your head turned to jelly.” Grog agreed.

“Grog, what have we said about raging?” A slight blonde girl told him, giving him the most intense “Mom look” that Percy had ever seen on anyone his age. And to his surprise, the larger teen seemed to get small under her gaze.

“Sorry Pike.” He mumbled the apology.

“Thank you Grog.” She gave him a smile, before turning to look at Percy. “I’m Pike, and that’s Scanlan, since he neglected to introduce himself.” She nodded towards the slighter boy, dressed in loud purples. 

Scanlan just gave him a wink and a fingergun. “Scanlan Shorthalt, at your service.” He gave a flourish with his hand as he bowed, and Percy felt slightly uncomfortable.

“You already know me.” Taryon nodded. “Taryon Darrington. Hey Antlers!” He called out, looking over Grog’s shoulder to where the red haired girl was sitting at the window still, away from the rest of them. “Are you gonna come introduce yourself to Percy?”

She shook her head, and Vax gave Taryon a light glare. “Hey, let her be.” He said, a little hotly. “It takes her a while to warm up to new people, you know that.” He turned to face Percy then. “That’s Keyleth, and don’t be offended. She just doesn’t like large groups, and new people frighten her a lot. She’ll warm up to you, in time.”

“I’m not offended.” Percy replied quietly, thinking of a shock of brown hair, always tangled and unkempt. Whitney, who had just started to find herself and become comfortable with who she was, confessing to him one night that she had never felt like a “boy”, an outsider to what everyone thought of her and felt like.

Keyleth reminded him of her, and it caused a deep pang of pain to throb through his chest and a dark chuckle to echo through his thoughts.

Percy just swallowed and set his fork down, not feeling like eating anymore.

Instead he just stared at the table as the others, clearly a very close knit group, continued to talk and laugh. He did notice that Vex, despite being grossly underweight, was eating fairly normally. 

He couldn’t help but feel a pang of jealousy. Her recovery was clearly going along just fine.

He wondered if he would ever get to that point.

A woman, who somehow managed to be shorter than Scanlan and Pike, walked over then. She had dirty blond hair tied up in a messy bun, and she leaned on the table. She was clearly a nurse, but the rest of them just smiled at her, even as Taryon winced slightly.

“All right Tary, I know it’s scary, but you gotta open up.” She told him, leaning on her elbows as she rest against the table on the other side of him from Percy. “I’m not blind, I’ve noticed you’ve taken only a handful of bites. Cmon.” She told him, gesturing towards the food.

“Get ‘im Kima.” Grog chuckled, and Taryon shot him a glare.

“Fine, fine.” Taryon sighed deeply before taking a larger bite.

Kima gave him a smile, patting his back. “There we go.” She murmured, before shooting a look at Scanlan. “Try to cop a feel again and I will knock your fucking head off your shoulders.”

The entire table burst into laughter, Scanlan whistling innocently, and Allura called out “Kima! Language!”

“Sorry Allie!” Kima called back, before looking at Percy. “We’re known as the ward parents around here.” She told him. “Allie’s the ward mom, and I’m the ward Dad. I’m a little more tough love, but some of you kids need that.” She shot a look at Grog, who just gave her a grin.

“Yeah, whatever.” He chuckled, finishing up his last French fry.

“Anyways, I’m still here to help. Call me Kima, and let me know if you need anything to get settled. Between Allie and I, we can handle pretty much anything.” 

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Percy replied, just staring down at his plate.

“Good.” Kima nodded, before collecting the filled out menus from everyone. “All right, it’s quiet time now, so head to your rooms and we’ll come around to take notes for movie night.”

Percy stood, leaving most of the food behind, and went back to the room he shared with Taryon. His hands were shaking, and he was feeling a little overwhelmed with everything.

These people were clearly friendly with each other, treated each other well, were even able to _joke_ about their illnesses in a way he wasn’t sure he’d ever get to.

_You’ll never be a part of them. You’ll never last that long. You should be dead, like the rest of them._

Percy flopped onto the bed, ignoring Taryon as he came in.

Taryon went to his bed, and Percy could hear him shaking slightly as he sketched, the pencil scratching unevenly against the paper as he worked on something.

_”Why are you even here? Useless. You should have been killed too._

Percy felt his fingers clench into the bedsheets, smelling heavily of hospital detergent, trying to think of anything than what the voice in his head continued to croon.

He was pulled out of his thoughts at the sound of someone vomiting coming through the wall, and Taryon visibly flinched and frowned.

“Vex isn’t doing well…” he murmured, looking towards the wall that their beds were pressed against.

“She looked unwell.” Percy said softly, grateful that anything at all had broken the silence that the voice in his head kept trying to fill.

“It’s not easy, dealing with what we have. Every bite of food feels like a hundred extra pounds, and no matter what the scale says, you’re still too fat.” Taryon agreed. “But then again, none of us have it easy. If we did, we wouldn’t be here.” He murmured.

That, Percy could agree with.


	3. Kindly Fuck Off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Yes, thank you.” Percy mumbled. “For your amazing insight, as always, Orthax.”
> 
> _”A pleasure, Percival. Whatever would you do without me?”_

_It was dark, pitch black, really. It was how Percy liked keeping his room. Light was too much to have when he was trying to sleep._

_He preferred the darkness of the shadows._

_He could hear thumping, and he groaned, turning over in his bed. One of the twins was riling one of their other siblings up, he was certain, and he was just grateful that it wasn’t him that was the target of their mischief this time._

_He heard a loud scream of terror, and ignored it at first, assuming that Vesper had had a snake or some other creature snuck into her bed._

_But then he heard the gunshots, and another echoing scream from Vesper, that was cut short with a gurgle._

Percy sat bolt upright in the bed, shaking and panting. He was covered in sweat, and his head was swimming.

Where was he?

This wasn’t home, or the room he had been staying in.

“I know it’s a dumb question, but you okay?” He heard a voice, and his head whipped around to see Taryon laying in bed, dressed in silk pajamas and cuddling his plush robot toy.

“What do you think?” Percy asked bitingly, throwing the blankets off of himself and getting out of the bed, going to the door and opening it, walking out into the hall.

A dark-skinned man in bright purple scrubs looked up from the reception desk. “Everything all right?” he asked, voice heavily accented. Marquesian, Percy’s brain filled in, but he just kept walking.

“Whoa whoa whoa, you’re Percival, right?” The man asked, getting out of his chair and moving around the reception area. “We haven’t had the pleasure of meeting yet, but that doesn’t give you permission to just wander about at night.

“I thought this wasn’t supposed to be a prison.” Percy retorted, voice dripping sarcasm. “So I should be able to come and go throughout the ward as I please.”

“It’s not a prison, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t rules.” The man replied. “Besides, most of the time when someone comes storming out in the middle of the night, it means that something is happening. Do you want to talk about it?” He asked, falling into step with Percy as they walked into the main sitting room.

“I don’t even know your name.” Percy bit back as he sat down on the windowsill, that the girl Keyleth had been so fond of.

 _”He doesn’t actually care. Just here for a paycheck, nothing more.”_ the voice hissed, and Percy was inclined to agree. None of these people actually gave a shit about their charges. Just showed up for a paycheck, and that was it.

“Shaun Gilmore.” The man replied. “Night nurse, known as Gilmore to the rest of the ward’s kids.”

Percy just shrugged, leaning against the cool glass of the window, not caring about the smudges he would leave behind. 

Gilmore took a seat next to him, leaning against the window as well. “You don’t trust me.” He commented.

“What was your first clue?” Percy said, twisting his sleeves in his fingers. “The trying my best to ignore you, or the layers of sarcasm in every word? Take your pick.”

Gilmore chuckled. “It’s all right.” He replied. “I’m not going to force you if you don’t want me to.”

Percy sighed heavily, and didn’t say anything else, just staring out the window down at the scenery below. It was dark, but the moon and streetlights illuminated a small park, directly underneath the large windows.

He continued twisting at his sleeves, closing his eyes after a moment.

_”No one cares. Just do it, break the window, jump. No one would care, they wouldn’t even bother fixing the window.”_

Percy swallowed hard before shaking his head. “No.” he mumbled softly. “No.”

_“It would be too easy._

“Gilmore?” He heard a female voice call out softly, and Gilmore looked up. 

“Vex’ahlia, darling, everything all right?”

Percy swallowed hard, and sat up a little straighter.

She walked over a little, before pausing behind the couch, eyes glancing over at Percy. Her hair was loose around her shoulders, and she was wearing a tank top and striped pajama pants. In her hands she had a bundle of cloth, and she bit her lip a little bit.

“…the clothing Father sent for Vax and I… they had the sizes left in them.” She mumbled softly.

Gilmore got up from his seat on the window. “Well, that won’t do.” He shook his head, tutting. “I can’t believe that got missed. Come on, let’s get those tags cut out for you dear.”

“Thanks.” Vex replied, glancing over at Percy once more.

Percy watched her quietly, feeling a pang for her echo in his chest. He wasn’t sure why.

“You’ll be all right hanging out here for a moment?” Gilmore asked him, and Percy just nodded. 

“I’d rather be on my own.” He mumbled. “Help her.”

Percy watched as Gilmore and Vex went to the reception area, Gilmore chatting and smiling at Vex as he dug out a pair of scissors from a locked drawer, removing the tags from the clothing that Vex had brought out.

Vex leaned against the desk, giving Gilmore a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. She dropped her voice so Percy couldn’t hear, but kept glancing towards him.

Percy felt his cheeks flush slightly, and looked away.

 _”Ha. You really think someone like her would be interested in you?_ The voice crooned. _”She’s so much better than that, and you’re nothing. A scrap of dirt on her shoe, just as disposable as those tags. She doesn’t need them, just like she doesn’t need you._

“Yes, thank you.” Percy mumbled. “For your amazing insight, as always, Orthax.”

_”A pleasure, Percival. Whatever would you do without me?”_

“Not talk to myself as often, that’s for damn certain.” Percy sighed, leaning his face against the cool window. “Now will you please kindly fuck off?”

“That’s not very friendly, is it?” Vex’s voice came from right next to him, and Percy jumped, nearly falling off of the windowsill. He hadn’t noticed her approach, too lost in conversation with the voice inside of his head.

“Ah, sorry, that wasn’t…meant for you.” He apologized. 

“Well, if it wasn’t meant for me, mind if I join you?” Vex asked.

“…if you’d like.” Percy replied, watching as she sat cross legged on the sill, across from him. He glanced over towards Gilmore, seeing that the man had returned to whatever he was doing on the computer, though he was keeping an eye on the pair of them.

“Talk to yourself often then?” Vex asked, leaning her chin against her fist as she looked at him. 

“…sometimes.” Percy mumbled. 

“Part of the reason you’re here, I take it.” Vex murmured.

“Part of it.” Percy allowed. He already felt like he had overstepped into her privacy, hearing her get rid of her dinner earlier that evening. He could afford to give her a brief glimpse of his own problems.

“Sounds like it isn’t a very nice voice.” She murmured. “Considering you were telling it to fuck off.”

“It’s not.” Percy replied, just looking down at her feet. He didn’t feel comfortable meeting her eyes anymore.

“You don’t have to talk about it.” Vex told him. 

“…did Gilmore put you up to this?” He asked, the suspicion growing the more she commented on the voice.

“Nope.” Vex replied, popping the p. “He actually told me to give you some space, but you were looking lonely, so I came over anyways.”

Percy raised an eyebrow at her. “What if he was right?” he asked.

“Then that “fuck off” would have been intended for me, I assume?” Vex’s lips curled into a light smirk.

Percy just sighed. “You’re very observant, aren’t you.”

“Very much so.” Vex agreed. “Definitely didn’t get it from my Father, or whoever he hired to get some new clothes for me and my brother.” She rolled her eyes. “I doubt he did it himself.”

Percy hummed softly. “You come from the upper class, then?” he asked.

“He did.” Vex replied. “My brother and I, not so much. Part of the reason he dumped both of us here, when our issues started staining his perfect “public image” she raised her fingers and made air quotes around the last words.

Percy huffed a soft laugh at that, before drawing back, a little shocked.

When was the last time he had laughed like that?

Vex was grinning at him. “There we go. You’re handsome when you smile, did you know that?”

“I’ve been told, though I’ve assumed that everyone who has was just trying to kiss up to me.” Percy replied.

“Well, it’s meant with utter sincerity here.” Vex said, resting both of her elbows on her knees as she held up her face with her hands.

“You barely know me.” Percy pointed out. “Why would I assume that you mean it?”

“I do barely know you.” Vex pointed out. “So why would I lie about something like that?”

Percy opened his mouth to retort, but the words didn’t come. Instead he just stared at her, confused.

Vex laughed, before swinging her legs off of the side of the sill and standing up again. “I’m going to head back to bed before Vax gets worried. I hope your night gets better though.” She gave him a wink, before going to collect her clothing from Gilmore and head back to her room.

Percy just stared after her, dumbfounded.

“She’s a force of nature, that Vex’ahlia.” Gilmore chuckled from his desk. “Take a little while longer, but you have to head back to bed soon, to at least try to get some sleep. You have a busy day ahead of you tomorrow.”

Percy just nodded, before looking back out the window, mind reeling with what had just occurred.

 _“She didn’t mean it, of course._ Orthax whispered, but Percy just ignored it.


End file.
